The lead pastor of my home church, Reality San Francisco, frequently quotes German philosopher, scholar and cultural critic, Friedrich Nietzsche. One quote of Nietzche’s which I find to be particularly resonant to my life in its current state of development is as eloquent as it is simple: “Become who you are.” These words, plainly stated and yet so fitting, apply not only to the call on this generation to step into their true identities but also to my personal intention to follow the Lord’s guidance via an unexpected route to grad school in Seattle.
I have spent the last ten years of my life running from, learning to face, and daring to stand in the tension of becoming who I am.
I grew up in a unique world, the San Francisco Bay Area. Creative and free- spirited, I was an African- American artist raised in a primarily white middle class suburban community. I received a plethora of love and acceptance at home, yet my formative years were spent attending a school in which only one in every seven students was black.
To my family, I was only me, and loved for it. Yet to my elementary/middle/high school peers I was “too smart” and “too articulate” to be black; “too skinny” and “too white-washed.” I found it difficult to feel accepted or even seen for who I was, when so many of my peers seemed keen to stuff me into boxes into which I didn’t fit. I presented a brave, confident face to the world. But internally, the sensitive artist and writer that I was, was scarred. The creative little girl I loved, so eager to present her art to the world, wondered why it seemed she could not be seen for who she was. Not knowing what else to do with those hurts, she pushed them down, and forged forward the best that her brave little heart knew how.
Upon entering college, I was thrilled to get a second chance, a new community. For the first time in my life I was totally accepted by my peers in an incredible, well rounded group of girlfriends of all races and colors. We were a community, and we loved each other and God (despite where we may have found ourselves) amidst the various phases of running to and from Him as college students. Studying English and Black Studies at San Francisco State University, I found people who accepted and loved me for me. I flourished within this community of acceptance, graduating in four years on the Dean’s list. I was blooming! Heather, the beautiful flower I was named for, flourishing amidst the rocky places.
After graduation, I followed my dream to become an author living in New York and left the West coast for the East. With God’s favor, I created a beautiful life in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. I fell in love, worked in an incredible role at Columbia University, and lived five years of the greatest adventure of my life exploring New York City and New England. Yet, a few years into my time in New York City, I began to experience panic attacks and anxiety. I began to run from the fear and overpowering anxiety that seemed to threaten at every turn. Having no idea where it had come from, I tried to ignore it. Outrun it. Drown it. Where I had once been fierce, I became a victim.
In late winter of 2013, I felt God leading me to leave New York City; leave behind my wildest dream, and move back to California to heal. I began therapy and the painful process of healing. The kindness and compassion of incredible therapists have helped me to face down and overcome every obstacle I have encountered in my way. Throughout what has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, I am learning to run to God, not from Him.
God also placed deep within me a desire to write a book, leading other young people struggling with emotional disorders out of anxiety and fear and into the God-led, incredible lives which He has called them to. I believe this is my life’s work; at least for this portion of the road!
I believe that God is leading me to Seattle to study Theology and Culture in order for me to learn to be the leader I had been scared to be because of the hurt of past rejection and lies spoken over me. I believe He has called me to share my incredible and unique life experience, the things I have walked through, in order to lead others out of their pain and into God’s grace.
The dreams in my heart are things I know in my spirit I am called to, yet I have no idea how I will land. I just know that I have seen miracles in my life before. I have seen a dead man raised. I have experienced my wildest dream become my reality. I know that God is not intimidated by things that to us may appear impossible. I don’t know the how. I’m just following the call. That’s where I now stand, trusting, in the tension.