Today was Day 31 of quarantine for those of us who reside in the San Francisco Bay Area. If you had asked me a month ago, I may have anticipated this would mean I’d be spiraling out into angst and worry and stress, but in fact what I have found is four full weeks into quarantine, I am feeling quite the opposite. Of course, there is the expected restlessness, the desire to place my body in the world when and where I feel like it, to spend good, good quality time with friends. Those desires are there and remain unmet. Yet what I am feeling, more than any of the other things, is gratitude.
Four months ago, the world counted down the beginning of a new decade with anticipation and excitement, but what we didn’t comprehend was the fact that a new day was upon us, and that day looked far different than we could have anticipated. A wind blew across the earth and with it a virus, immobilizing so much of the status quo---what we expect our lives to look like and be. The flow we expected in this new year has been impacted to such an extent that we find the currents we’ve been forced to abandon leave us caught in a greater flow. If we choose to be (wise) we can heed that fact and surrender to that which is greater than us.
There is so much we are not in control of amidst of this crisis, but our minds and what we choose to cultivate within them is our choice. There are so many currents we could give ourselves over to: fear and hopelessness, anxiety and despair. But we can also choose the more violent option: to hope. As Matthew 11:12 reads: “From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.”
A former anxiety sufferer, and a present-day warrior against the dis-ease, I have seen firsthand that moving into new ways of being when faced with outward challenges is not for the faint of heart. I am a firm believer that God gives us life and breath and heartbeats, and grace…and the rest is up to us. It is up to us to embrace the challenge of the Holy Spirit and move into uncomfortable conversations we would rather shy away from. It is up to us to literally BE the body of Christ to one another and meet each other’s needs in times of crisis, whether by sharing money, housing, or laughter. It is up to us to trust Father God is good even despite years of circumstances which hiss otherwise. We do not move into trust or take steps toward freedom, or even learn thankfulness without a bit of a fight.
So, I thought I’d share a thoughtful reflection on how to move away from the fear, anxiety, depression and restlessness which may accompany the loss (or at least temporary removal) of some of our favorite people and things. A simple way to lower our heart rates, our cortisol levels, and our general angst begins with sitting down. Take in a low, slow breath, then another one. As you let it out, reflect on one simple question: “What am I grateful for this week?” With each deep, even breath, inhale a memory and exhale the taste which accompanies it. Rinse and repeat.
My list, the fourth week of quarantine, looks something like this:
Access to a swimming pool; walks under towering redwood trees; shady, flower lined streets; writing again; vulnerability within family; friends who make me laugh out loud and hold me down (even across Zoom and all the miles); all the experiences I have had in the places I’ve lived and traveled; all the hopes and dreams unrealized yet to come; my health; a favorite pair of leggings; an excellent cup of chai tea…and the grace of God, which has chased me down every time I’ve run from it. For all these gifts, I am thankful.
For every bit of life and breath and heartbeats we are gifted daily, we have much to be thankful for. Writing those down, while we have the privilege of taking good, deep breaths, couldn’t hurt. Especially in the face of those things we hope for, with bated breath, waiting patiently.