Babe, I can't even lie. If you had told me two weeks ago, as I sat with my sister's friends at her Christmas party, and grinned over tequila and wine about how happy we were together, that the very next night you would be taken from me, I wouldn't have believed it. It's still hard to believe.
Losing my lover and one of my closest friends is not something I thought I would have to endure for the next thirty years, at least. To have you taken from your army of friends and community, from Krisha and Shaun and your parents--and me--we are all still in shock. We all loved you so much. We all continue to love you so much.
But yesterday was the first good day. The first day I ventured out with little Waff, and my heart friend, Melissa...whom you were excited to meet in Seattle, but alas, has come to us. We went to Muir Beach. We adventured along the sea. Melissa even got in, mermaid that she is. We took a long walk in the cold air and salty mist and found whale bones [evidence of someone else who has gone on]. We collected sea treasures. I even touched a sea-green anemone, rushing in before the tide to poke its tentacles in your honor. "This one's for B."
It was the first good day, babe. The first one where I felt your spirit surround without the suffocating heaviness of the fact that you are no longer physically standing beside me. The first one where Waff, little "Punyeta!" ran and played and met other Daschunds. The first one where Melissa and I adventured and discovered, and didn't just grieve together.
Yours is the hardest loss I have ever had to walk through, and the most unjust. I am still so angry.
I do feel you. In the sunsets and sunrises. In the mist of the sea. In my heart, still. Inside of our inside jokes. Still missing you, still longing, still wishing you were here with me. Feeling you sometimes, and knowing you are. I'm not punishing myself for leaning into life, and joy, but trying to lean into life just as you lived: in the present, whole-hearted, one step at a time.
Comentários