All At Once

Sometimes life moves at a pace so slow, it can feel like it you're you are dragging through molasses. During the most difficult parts of life, when pain and suffering draw close, moving forward can feel as though you are trudging through resistant mud. I know a little bit about this. The past three years were some of the most excruciating I've experienced in my forty ---as I grieved losing a soulmate to a drunk driver, and searched for a job for the greater part of two years. When I was moving through the early days of grief and navigating the pain of losing Brandon, then submitting application after application, it was as though l was moving through muddy terrain, or brackish waters. It seemed my life was moving in slow motion, in a direction I didn't want, and no matter what effort I put forth into the universe, I couldn't make that season move any faster.

That season of grief and pain had been marked by a word from God which I'd initially received in Seattle, Washington, where I attended seminary (and then lingered because the community was so rich and the wilderness so breathtaking). "Sit under this tree and rest awhile" was the invitation I had been given, but what I did not know and could not have known at the time, was that the tree I would be sitting under would be many trees, 17 redwoods, to be exact, and that that would be where I would come to experience the goodness of God in a desolate place.

So much rage, grief, and pain left my body, heart and soul as I wrestled and writhed out the dregs of sorrow and hurt and disappointment in 2025. Yet, the invitation was to stop striving, and to trust. I heard the Spirit say: "I'm not ignoring you; I'm preparing you. Wait for my mark." I heard clearly in my spirit that the change would happen "all at once."

When the painfully slow Year of the Snake finally coiled to a stop and the Year of the Horse came galloping in, I heard no lies. I invited the Year of the Fire Horse to come galloping in, believing that the Spirit of God would be faithful to the words that had been spoken.

Then everything began to change. My older brother got offered a role at Stanford after a long and trying process, joining his wife in working at her dream institution. Two weeks later, I was offered my dream role of Pastoral Resident, overseeing benevolence at the church I had been attending for the last decade. The following week, my younger brother and his wife welcomed their first child, a wonderful son, making me an aunt to three boys! Within a few days of starting my new role, I had moved to a safer, nicer two bedroom apartment closer to the city. Though it has been stressful to navigate as a single woman, I heard clearly in my spirit that I was to list my condo for sale, and that it would "sell much faster than I thought it would." The Holy Spirit, in graciousness, even told me I would be able to get the new SUV I desired with the proceeds. Because (let's face it) when I am not at work or with family (or in the pool) where I want to be is in wine country or under the redwoods. And what better way to get there than to load the pups into the back of a new SUV...

There is something about following the Holy Spirit that opens the pathways for newness in life, even when it is scary, or overwhelming. When many things are changing "all at once" in one's life (even if those changes are good) that doesn't mean that it is without stressors. Change is stressful, especially when we are facing major life transitions, like moving out of ones home and into a new place and starting a new job, all in the same week. So much change is exciting, yes, but it is also stressful.

Yet, God told me very clearly what needed to be done. All I had to do was listen, and follow his leading from one season into another... and before I knew it, I was in an entirely new place.

All. At. Once.

Now that I am a pastor (yikes!) , I am willing to lean into the places of gifting God was preparing and equipping me for before that title was ever appointed. But somehow, I feel like the title newly appoints me to be able to "preach." So one month in, here is what I have to say:

Life is going to be shitty sometimes. That is the nature of this world. We may lose our jobs unjustly, or lose our partners unexpectedly, or find ourselves having bought into an irresponsible HOA. And none of that is easy, or fun, or what we might have preferred. In fact, from experience, I can attest that the shitty parts of life actually do suck. No one want to have their lives interrupted by sickness or pain or loss or grief so close it brings us to our knees. None of us would ask for that, or prefer it. Even as I am coming out of that season, I will readily admit that I wish the man I believed to be my soulmate was still here. I still would have preferred that he and I would be raising a child which looked a little like him and a little like me, with my thoughtfulness and creativity and depth and his wisdom and kindness and wicked sense of humor...and yet, he is in heaven. And I reside on earth. And I am still alive today to see God working it for good.

"For we know all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them."

Romans 8:28

Now that is a word that will preach.

Because when the Spirit of God turns ones circumstances for the good, He is able to do so....all at once. I would never have chosen to experience the last three years of my life. And yet, God is so great, the Spirit is able to turn the evil I walked through for good, for the flourishing of myself and many others.

As we say

at the church where

I am now

a pastor...!

Thanks be to God.