Inviting in (love) again

There is a lot which has been moving through my body in this season. I have seen God come through in so many different ways, and I have thought, "this is a season of answered prayer."

In 2025, when I was praying for breakthrough in my vocation, I had no idea how the Spirit was going to bring about the change I was hoping to see in my life.I would apply for one job and then another and another and add them to the spreadsheet I was using to keep track, even as the role I was in at the company I had been at for six years dried up. The Lord whispered to me, "I am not ignoring you; I am preparing you. Wait for my mark." I knew that there was something that was coming, but I did not know the time in which it would come...or even exactly what it was. I just knew that I had to keep focusing on the promises which God had given me, and walking life out with God until something finally gave in and broke. As I think back on that time of applying and persevering, I am reminded of Romans 8: 24-25:

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

I remember going through this time of extended perseverance and waiting, frustrated, because the well of the opportunity through which I had previously put food on the table was drying up. I had been through two seasons of prolonged unemployment before; first in 2008 when I graduated college and found it impossible to find a suitable role for close to six months, because of the massive economic downturn the United States was experiencing during that time. I experienced a similar season of "WTF-ness" after graduating from seminary in 2018, as I waited for God to reveal what was happening in the aftermath of attending seminary. Once again, I had to walk out that trying season in faith, with God, hoping that the promises he made would come to fruition, even as I persevered through my personal frustration.

Last year was baffling at times, as I applied for upwards of 140 jobs and nothing seemed to be rising to the surface even as the situation I'd had slowly fizzled out. But little did I know, that when the Lord exhaled, I would find the change I had been anticipating to come "all at once." The Lord had been preparing a role for me at the church I had been in attendance of for ten years, and one which had been specially crafted for me. He was inviting me into a space where I could move in the authority I had already built through seasons of navigating hard things with Him, and come alongside of those who were navigating hard things themselves. I would be prepared to offer encouragement because I myself had had to learn courage.

After landing the role, I moved out of the home I had bought in October 2022 with the intent of moving closer to church and making things (the commute, namely) easier on myself, but what I found was that the doggos and I missed our cozy condo under the redwood forest, next to the Napa River. So we moved back home.

At the year's midway mark, I found myself in a role which had been custom -built for me, and was hand delivered in the Lord's time. I found myself settling myself and my dogs back into our home, and turning the guest bedroom into my library/art studio. I was seeing the Lord's provision in my home and work and familial life. Yet there was one area where I still longed to taste and see the breakthrough of God, and that area is in a lasting romantic relationship.

In April 2022, I released the relationship with my beautiful, spiritual, toxic ex, and then met up with a girlfriend in Hawaii. We ate Mango sticky rice, we sunbathed on the beach, we attempted to free a bird which had fallen from its nest. Then, I baptized my body in the Pacific Ocean. I stepped out into the tropical waves lapping against the shore of Waikiki and invited true love in again.

In May 2022, I would meet the person I believed to be my soul mate. But those of you who know me know that there was a twist in that love story. A pivot, if you will. I was launched into a period of knowing, of loving, and then of losing B, as he was launched into another atmosphere entirely...and I learned to navigate life post his great loss.

Three and a half years have passed since this happened to us, and in that time, I have dated, some. And I have learned that I want to invite love in again. That I want to be ready to share my love with another, to send out the ripples from the love which B shared with me, and see how far they go. So I am learning how to invite this new love into my experience; how to show up fully and expect to see break though, even when it seems impossible. I am wondering what the magic of breakthrough might look like the area where I've yet to see love conquer all thus far.

I am open to inviting love in again. I am curious to come to understand the shape it might take in the cracks where gold has begun to seep in and fill out my rough edges. I am excited to invite in love which makes me curl my toes and care for the other and inconvenience ourselves for the sake of serving. I am hopeful that this magic might exist somewhere out in this world for me, and for my sisters and brothers who have a similar desire. So these days, I invite in the love looking out from the ferry, at the diamonds dancing on the water. I breathe in; I exhale. I remember, and I release. I will the Holy Spirit to serendipitously surprise me with the adventure of romantic love again...in the right time.